Day 24 A difficult Time in my life.

Everyone encounters difficult times in their life and depending on their past experience something that isn't a difficult time for you but would be world changing for someone else. I think a life changing difficult time in my life was when my mom was diagnosed with cancer and died 8 years later. I was 9 years old when she was diagnosed and 17 when she passed away. It was a long hard period of time there. I remember thinking so many times that I wondered if I would make it through. I believe that God healed my mom by taking her home to heaven. There are so many days when I miss my mom and wish she was just a phone call away. I still remember her cell phone number. So many times since I was 9 I wish my mom could have been a "normal" mom. That she didn't have to be so sick and that her cancer could be gone. So many times since I was 17 and she was gone I wish I could have called her or seen her. I missed her on my graduation and wedding day and the time during when I was moving to help with packing and going through pictures and family memories. While time has definitely healed the biggest parts of missing her there are still moments when I miss her incredibly.

Positive, Positive, Negative, Negative, Negative???!!!

So 2 weeks ago today I took 2 pregnancy test (different brands, different times) and they both turned out positive. Jeremy and I were ecstatic especially since having been told that we might not be able to have children of our own. We quickly told his our parents and a couple of very very close friends. For the most part though we kept it very hush hush until I was able to go to the doctor to confirm the pregnancy. I had a few symptoms some slight nausea, constant tiredness, and irritability. We even bought some baby stuff to prepare. I was cautiously optimistic until it was confirmed through the doctor. A little less than 2 weeks after the test at home I went to the midwifes office and we did the initial exam and did a urine sample which was negative (although not surprised as I had been up for around 4 hrs by the time they had did that test and drank quite a bit of water as I normally do and it definitely was was not my first time going to the bathroom that day. However the midwife didn't seem concerned and wanted to do some blood work as well to just make sure. I went home to wait for the results. She first told me that she would only call if the blood work was negative and I didn't receive a call until closer to 430 today. I was hoping that by it being so late in the afternoon that it was a positive since she said I wouldn't get a call unless it was negative. When she called she told me that my blood work was negative and was anywhere remotely positive. I was told that there was only two possibilities and that was either I had false positives at home or possible had been pregnant and I caught it really early and than had a very early miscarriage or what is called a chemical pregnancy. I have done a lot of reading and research the past couple of weeks and from everything I have read it seems that false positives are very rare unless you didn't follow the instructions on the pregnancy test (which I followed to the letter of the law) and more than likely what happens is you have an early miscarriage. It all doesn't seem real as we hadn't made any announcements to many people and it was all kinda quiet at home and didn't really talk that much about the baby just because I didn't want to keep bringing it up and get my hopes up. So this doesn't at all seem real. I really believed despite the negatives that I was pregnant and that we somehow lost this precious little baby and that God took a little angel home the past couple of weeks. We both know that God is ultimately in control of everything and that for whatever the reason we had to go through this season and lesson He ultimately holds us. I don't know what the future exactly holds for us but I know the ONE who holds our future and I know that He knows His plan for us.

Probably going to get shot or something....

I know that what I am about to write is very very controversial and will probably result in some not so nice feelings towards me but oh well this is my blog and for this blog I am putting into the age old rule that "if you cant say something nice, dont say something at all" I dont say this to be like I am right and you are wrong in the feelings because this kind of confusing even for me.

The death of Osama Bin Laden brings up for me many  mixed emotions. While I am relieved and excited and happy that he is no longer able himself to make plans and carry out terriost actions and that we can sleep a little more peacefully at night knowing he is gone; and yet at the same time my heart breaks to know he is spending all of eternity in hell and that someone that God loved so much that He sent His own son to die for him would reject him and would choose to not accept the gift and sacrifice that God made for him and to choose to spend eternity away from God breaks my heart and brings me almost to tears. I know that he is responsible for the deaths of countless and priceless men, women, and children and I know that he had to be brought to justice and even death I understand that and even the Bible talks about if you take a mans life so shall your life be taken and I agree that he should have been put to death, killed, assasinated, (however you would like to term it) but I also know that someone should have been able to share the gospel with him and give him the chance to accept Christ. Thats the God I serve that no matter what you have done where you have been or what you are doing He can and will forgive you and save you and then when you die you will go to heaven. That doesnt mean he didnt have to pay for what he did if he became a christian. Salvation is not a get out jail free card here on earth. You still have to pay for your actions that you choose to do and if its breaking the law murder terriost acts than there are dire consquences and can lead to their death as well. I am happy and excited and am so thankful that Osama is dead and that he has recieved his earthly justice but I do know that it breaks God heart that Osama choose not to follow him and to love him and serve him. My heart has been broken for this man's salvation since 9/11 again I am not saying he should not have been punished he definitely deserved to be punished and severely and with his life but to know that unless he cried out to God before he died that Osama is spending all of eternity in utter torment and pain and suffering. I know that I will most likely recieve a lot of flack for this and I expect it. I do also know that in God's eyes sin is sin, that murder is no more severe than lying and that stealing is the same as adultry. So if we would judge the world in Gods standards than those who do not accept the gift of salvation no matter how good of a person they are and that no matter that they never broke the law or did anything wrong in the the worlds eyes they are no different than Osama that the man who cheats on his taxes and steals money from the government and never repents and makes it right and rejects God is no different the Osama who killed countless lives.

Again I say that I AM GLAD THAT HE IS DEAD! But my heart is broken over the fact that he is eternally sepereated from God and will never know the saving knowledge of Jesus.

2-26-2003

Dear Mom,

Wow! 8 years has flown by quick and I feel like I have lived a lifetime in those years. After I moved back here from Iowa got involved in a home church, experienced hurt from close friends, my first boyfriend; and consquently my first heartbreak. I moved into my first apartment and lived there 3 years. I went back to college and had to quit again. I than a little over a year ago meet an unusual fellow and I didnt know how much my life would change. I meet Jeremy and we quickly fell in love and got married almost 5 months ago. I wish you could have been there. It was a small wedding but you would love Jeremy and his parents. God really knew what He was doing when He created Jeremy for me and vice versa. I cant believe how good God is to me. I am able to stay at home with him and hopefully before too much longer we will have babies. right now though we have our hands full with a very active 8 1/2 month labador named Molly. Madison your grandbaby just turned 3 and she is very much a callow woman already. LOL. She is such a funny little girl. I miss you very much and wish you were just a phone call away because many times I wish I could pick up the phone and call you but I know heaven doesnt have any phones and if it did I am not sure I could afford that phone call. I do miss you very much and I love you and miss you everyday.

Love,
Katie