Day 24 A difficult Time in my life.

Everyone encounters difficult times in their life and depending on their past experience something that isn't a difficult time for you but would be world changing for someone else. I think a life changing difficult time in my life was when my mom was diagnosed with cancer and died 8 years later. I was 9 years old when she was diagnosed and 17 when she passed away. It was a long hard period of time there. I remember thinking so many times that I wondered if I would make it through. I believe that God healed my mom by taking her home to heaven. There are so many days when I miss my mom and wish she was just a phone call away. I still remember her cell phone number. So many times since I was 9 I wish my mom could have been a "normal" mom. That she didn't have to be so sick and that her cancer could be gone. So many times since I was 17 and she was gone I wish I could have called her or seen her. I missed her on my graduation and wedding day and the time during when I was moving to help with packing and going through pictures and family memories. While time has definitely healed the biggest parts of missing her there are still moments when I miss her incredibly.

Day 19 My worst Habits

Oh ouch! My worst habits this is kinda an ouchy blog because nobody wants to point out their flaws or worst anything. I really bad habit and the worst one I have is that I can't say no very easily. It's great for other people because it gets them help. However for Jeremy and I it's bad because I get overcommitted and then I stress out a lot towards Jeremy. I am working on it more now that we have moved and it definitely has made us happier saying no more and more. Saying no doesn't come easy because I like helping people and like putting people before myself and I have learned you can't take care of people or help people if you aren't taking care of yourself and helping yourself. I also learned that everything you say yes to you are saying no to something or someone else. I have decided that I want to say yes more to my husband and no to the unnecessary things. So hopefully this wont be my worst habit for much longer!!!!1

30 by 30 revamped!

Small break from my 31 Day Challenge.

So today I was looking through my pas blog entries and came across this one. I started reading through it and I was like man it has been 2 years and I don't think I can really check any of these off; which makes me sad in a way but I think about these goals and since I am a year away from my 30th birthday I think I can still make some of these happen. So here are some incorporated from the last one and some new ones.

The ones I can think that are pretty much completed are these:

Have the ministry self-sufficient.
       *For the most part it is in fact I can't remember when we last had to pay a bill for the ministry although we are far from where we want to be we are growing by God's grace every month; in fact we have been able to take a small salary from the ministry and also been able to bless people who have been in need a few different times this past year.

Have dream house plans picked out.
       *Funny thing about that. I don't think Jeremy and I will ever build a house but we bought a dream house in August of '14, so I think I can consider this one done.

Buy new pots and pans.
       *Did this for my christmas present 2013. Definitely needed to do this.

Buy a mac laptop
       *I am pretty sure we bought a mac laptop since writing this list, however it was a used one and I don't even know where it is because it had to be plugged in all the time and we just didnt have a good place to put a laptop that had to be plugged in all the time at this point.

Buy a never been driven before totally new vehicle.
       *The plan for this one is to have it bought in the next couple of months. So this one is half way done. we have the car picked out just waiting to get the rest of the money and we will be good to go.

4 1/2 out of 30 kinda stinks, so heres to a better year of accomplishment. Maybe cutting down too on my list for now will help. I can always add to it later

• Walk a 5K
• See Jeremy healed (that one is out of my control and in God's hands)
• Become a notary
• Get my florist license
• Read 25 new books that I have never read so any suggestions appreciated
• Start the adoption process
• Get Healthy
• Plan a vacation to somewhere we have never been
• Go to Ohio
• Update wedding rings for each other
• Finish getting the house unpacked and painted/decorated
• Read the Bible 6 times
• learn to knit
• learn to crochet more
• Build our savings
• develop new friendships
• Blog at least 10x a month
• Try a new recipe every week

The Real Deal...

So 15 minutes before you head out the door to church is not the greatest time to start a blog post but hey you grab the time you get and for me its very far and few between. I read blogs all the time from women who have full time jobs, kids, full time jobs with kids, some have full time jobs, kids, and go to school full time or part time, and here I am sitting here married with a dog. Like "Okay Katie get it together there are women out there that are doing more things and blog way more. However I know that everyone's situation is different and people make different priorities (not saying anything bad about making blogging a priority). I have been so encouraged lately though by a blog that I don't even remember how I found but it has done my heart so much good because its the real deal. Click here to read it Dana has had so many encouraging posts that have done so much good for my heart and soul and lets me know I am not alone. However it has also challenged me to become the Real Deal. To reach out and talk more about our marriage and the obstacles that come with it and the way we have to do things differently and to know I am not crazy to feel overwhelmed with things arise. In an interdependent marriage someone is left with a bigger load to carry and even if you have a health aid it doesn't necessarily eliminate it all. Sometimes you just get overwhelmed.

For Jeremy and I we really haven't had any consistency other than be crazy busy and having people live with us since we have been married. I think out of 3 1/2 years we have had 6 months were it was just us in the house us and the dog. However consistency is key in a marriage like ours I am sure in others too but I can only speak for my marriage. Things I have learned in the past 4 years (with an interdependent marriage) is that you have to keep a very loose schedule which doesn't really work in our able bodied focused world. While we strive to keep to a schedule and not run late its always when something major happens like a wire breaks, body functions go awry yes tmi but our marriage has been a journey has included a ton of tmi moments. Another thing is that no matter what as the able bodied partner you have two wear 2 different hats you have to wear a caretaker hat and you have to wear the spouse hat. There are so many times that it is hard or impossible to switch from caretaker to spouse in a heartbeat.


Obviously a lot of time has passed since this blog was first started and so much has changed since this. We have sold our house moved across the country and bought a house and are settling in. We also hired an aide for Jeremy. It has been wonderful and it has really helped our marriage a lot. I am not having to switch hats so often any more and its been nice to feel some doors open again that I thought had been shut forever without an aid. I still plan on being the real deal in my blogs and living a more transparent life in regards to a interdependent marriage. For now though I just will post this and leave it at that.

Growing Pains Part 2

Yesterday I reached out to the person God has been speaking quite clearly and quite loudly about for sometime to forgive. I sent a text to them to open the door to see if they would even listen to what I had to say and the door is opened. We will be talking more next week as they are on their honeymoon. (I didn't know for sure that they were still on it). I never thought I would talk to this person again and my flesh was quite alright with that. Well after doing that and things going way smoother than I ever thought it would; I had the worst night of sleep I have had in years. I tossed and turned and woke up ever couple of hours and than early this morning I had a dream almost more like a nightmare. I know it was not a Godly dream it was one sent to discourage me from continuing on to do what God has told me to do. Yet even as my alarm went off this morning the song "Forgiveness" by Matthew West was playing and than right after the song went off k-love played a part of an interview with Brandon Heath that talked about dealing with the poison of bitterness in your life. Wow! God came right in after the dream and confirmed twice that I am doing the right thing and going the right way. I should also say that last night when I was getting ready for bed I had The Spirit channel on our tv which plays all christian music and it had a song on about forgiveness that I have never even heard of before. So while my flesh still screams no don't do this my spirit is screaming louder than ever before to break free. Even after reaching out in a text message I feel so much lighter and so much more free and so much more peaceful and I can't imagine how much more that will go up once I actually talk to this person and finish what God has called me to do.

Growing Pains

This year has been a year of growth and change for me personally and spiritually. God has really been working a lot in me and bringing to life things that I had let die and had given up on months and years ago. Just like in the physical as you get older and grow it can be exciting but than the growing pains come and its not so fun or the responsibilities you once longed for you no longer enjoy. Right now I am in the painful part the part that I no longer long for or enjoy. God has really been dealing with the past with me and forgiveness that I need to give and anger I need to get over and hurt that I have held onto that has turned into bitterness. I know what to do but its scary out there in the "real" world. In the world where I don't have the bitterness and anger and hurt anymore. Where I don't have control of that area of my life where God is in control. I know it should be an easy choice get rid of all that is holding me back but I have been holding onto to this for years and it has grown a strong root in my heart. I have slowly been chopping away and I know freedom is coming I can sense it in my spirit but it stills scares me. I know I will have more joy and more peace yet I want to hold onto the pain and bitterness and anger because its what I know. I need to have a conversation with a certain person and I have rehearsed it over and over again and every time I rehearse it I get to a part that says I don't know where this leads to or if there is to be complete restoration. Its the unknown I fear. I have had so many situations and decisions in my life that were completely out of my control and I faced so much unknown that I am weary from the very idea of facing it once again. Every time I say Okay God I give in I will do it and than I don't or say yes I forgive that person and than bring it back and don't God brings up the topic of forgiveness again. This all started about 6 months ago when someone at church gave a casual testimony about how God had to work forgiveness in her and the day after she forgave that person died. God really started dealing with me then as you don't know how long you have left or that person has left and why would you want to go to grave with that bitterness and unforgiveness in your heart. Our pastor has been preaching through the book of Genesis this year and so many times forgiveness and restoration has been brought up. There have been songs and books and through out my Bible reading this year this has been theme of it even though I have read the Bible before and heard all the stories before God is showing me that forgiveness is key to everything to freedom to peace to relationship with God.

Mind your business

I love people I really do, but I am so tired of people trying to tell J and what to do and than if we don't do it when or how they want us to do it make a decision and act on it. Instead of respecting the decisions we make. J and I made a decision this year not to purchase another wheelchair accessible vehicle due to the fact that at the time we were looking for a new  wheelchairs vehicles that were in our budget of 23,000 dollars were at least 10 years old or/and had several thousands of miles on them. We weren't willing to take the chance of purchases a vehicle that old or with that many miles on it. We also were having to jump hoops in order to purchase a new wheelchair for J the insurance company was being a pain in the butt about it but it was doable just taking time to get everything done and everything turned in and all the information from the insurance company. Thankfully though now next time it will be handle before we even submit it the wheelchair company and the insurance company. Someone purchased us a new power wheelchair and Wow what an amazing gift. With the price tag of those running upwards of 30-40,000 dollars it was way amazing. However they didn't ask what would work for our current situation. We are limited to the weight of the chair to 250 lbs and the one that was purchased was over 300 lbs and a higher more expensive model again wonderful thing if we had a wheelchair accessible vehicle because the weight wouldn't be an issue. However with just a wheelchair lift on the back of the car we have we have to stay under 350 lbs total weight including the weight of the lift which I should mention is 70 lbs so we can have a chair that weighs at most 290 lbs. So while J has a new chair he can't take it anywhere unlike his other one that was able to be loaded on the back the car. We would use the other chair except that we kept getting pressure from the people who purchased the wheelchair to get it up and running because it did need some repairs that we were going to be responsible for and so we pushed forward towards doing that and that meant switching out some parts from the old one to the new one. Therefore we only have one working chair which can't be loaded onto our vehicle and used and now those same people are starting to put pressure on us now to purchase a used wheelchair van because it would make life so much easier on J and on I. It's frustrating because we do really care about these people and they have helped in the past but for the most part J and I's decisions affect us mainly. It's not like they are involved in our day to day life and its J and I who are affected the most by our decisions. I had a lot of anxiety about driving anything period after a year and half of almost constant breakdowns and several thousands of dollars in repairs and never knowing if you would make it back home that it has taken me 7 months to get over the worst of it I think. I still just prefer being at home and not going anywhere because than at least the car can't break down on me at home. My anxiety would get to me so bad I would make up any excuse to not go somewhere. I am finally a lot better but the very thought right now of driving another used wheelchair van just stresses me out to the point that I break down in tears sobbing because I can't even handle the thought of it. I know there would be a lot of things that would be a lot easier for us and possible for other people but it just is not feasible at this point to go into debt for it. For me the pressure makes me feel like a failure as a wife that I am not doing a good job of taking care of J. I know that since he was 5 he has had a power chair wherever he went and a wheelchair vehicle but a lot has changed since then and J made a lot of financial mistakes when he turned 18 and threw away a lot of money and lost a lot of money in investments that went bad and so there isn't a secret savings account with thousands and thousands of dollars that we just don't want to spend. I know we make a decent amount of money but we do have certain bills that no one else has and it gets tight a lot of times with a once a month paycheck. This might not really all make a lot of sense but I just needed to vent and I really wish people would start respecting the decisions we make as a couple we are little kids that need the help all the time. I just wish the unsolicited help and advice would stop. I also wish the false accusations of mismanagement of our money would stop and that people would also stop assuming that we are rich. We are actually in the middle class we aren't poor but we aren't rich and yes our finances are different than others and yes I am so thankful but when your income amount doesn't change and there are no raises or cost of living increases. So as prices go up our money doesn't stretch as far as it use to. Even now things are tight but doable. We are slowly working our way back out of the little bit of debt we have. We should have our washer and dryer paid off in January and than our credit card hopefully will be paid off by December 13 at the absolute latest. Than we can focus on building up our savings and doing it quickly. At least until than we will have the credit card as emergency funds although I know that's not the wisest thing to do, but it's what we will have to do for now.Anyways well I better stop ranting and venting on here and get to work today.

2012...to be continued

So this year is nothing like I expected it would be. We have ups and downs; stress and relief; happiness and sadness. Earlier this year the hubs and I made a decision to switch churches. We do not take that decision lightly especially now being married and wanting to start a family. There were lots of reasons we left but the biggest one was the feeling of being overlooked a lot. It seemed like a struggle to get involved and stay involved. I had personally been attending this church for 6 years and I can't really name someone who I would call up in a time of need or emergency. I have been silent of this front for a lot of reasons. We still know people who attend this church and it is a larger church in our area and I know that they are doing a lot of good things however it wasn't the right fit for us. No we aren't looking for the perfect church because it doesn't exist but a church were you feel welcomed and like family and were people actually talk to you is what we craved. We craved fellowship with other believers. I felt like I could stay at home and watch church on tv or livestream  on the internet and get the same amount of fellowship as walking into the church. We wanted to be missed if we weren't there and checked on if we suddenly didn't show up. Maybe churches are that way anymore but it sure should be. However God lead us to a gem of a church on Easter Sunday we were visiting with my in-laws and we haven't left since. It is so refreshing being there and having people talk to you and for people to even recognize if you miss your normal service (we have 2 sunday morning services). It has been so easy to get involved in church activites and ministries. That was the first big change that happened a high you could say. As we entered into the high of finding an amazing church we gained another high of finding out we were expecting our first little love. Unfortunately I miscarried within 2 weeks of finding out and our little love was called home to heaven. We had a huge stress relief come with the purchase of our new car a Kia Sorento. Before we had this vehicle we never left the house literally we would very rarely leave the house and take our vehicle. Our van would leave us stranded at the drop of a hat and when you have a husband or any loved one that is wheelchair dependent it doesn't make for an easy situation. Especially when people couldn't figure out what was wrong for so long. We went on our honeymoon in May. It was wonderful and relaxing. We spent 7 days in Orlando and though we didn't see much it was exactly what the doctor ordered.  We came home and hit the ground running. We got involved at church and in a couple of weeks our youth program will begin for this fall and we are both involved in it. Our minister Jesus Saves International has taken off. We now send out over 600 daily e-devotions. God has truly blessed us. We have been able to construct a new studio that the hubs will be able to use to speak into the lives of many through weekly video podcasts. God has been gracious enough to allow 22 people to get saved thru the ministry. God gets all the glory and honor for everything. I spent most of the summer watching our nieces while my brother and sister-in-law worked. It helped grow the bound even more however we are thankful that that particular season has come to a close for now. I continue to walk on this weight loss journey as it has been slow and hard but steadily I push on never giving up. I am so excited to see what the rest of this year holds for us and where God will continue to take us.