Growing Pains

This year has been a year of growth and change for me personally and spiritually. God has really been working a lot in me and bringing to life things that I had let die and had given up on months and years ago. Just like in the physical as you get older and grow it can be exciting but than the growing pains come and its not so fun or the responsibilities you once longed for you no longer enjoy. Right now I am in the painful part the part that I no longer long for or enjoy. God has really been dealing with the past with me and forgiveness that I need to give and anger I need to get over and hurt that I have held onto that has turned into bitterness. I know what to do but its scary out there in the "real" world. In the world where I don't have the bitterness and anger and hurt anymore. Where I don't have control of that area of my life where God is in control. I know it should be an easy choice get rid of all that is holding me back but I have been holding onto to this for years and it has grown a strong root in my heart. I have slowly been chopping away and I know freedom is coming I can sense it in my spirit but it stills scares me. I know I will have more joy and more peace yet I want to hold onto the pain and bitterness and anger because its what I know. I need to have a conversation with a certain person and I have rehearsed it over and over again and every time I rehearse it I get to a part that says I don't know where this leads to or if there is to be complete restoration. Its the unknown I fear. I have had so many situations and decisions in my life that were completely out of my control and I faced so much unknown that I am weary from the very idea of facing it once again. Every time I say Okay God I give in I will do it and than I don't or say yes I forgive that person and than bring it back and don't God brings up the topic of forgiveness again. This all started about 6 months ago when someone at church gave a casual testimony about how God had to work forgiveness in her and the day after she forgave that person died. God really started dealing with me then as you don't know how long you have left or that person has left and why would you want to go to grave with that bitterness and unforgiveness in your heart. Our pastor has been preaching through the book of Genesis this year and so many times forgiveness and restoration has been brought up. There have been songs and books and through out my Bible reading this year this has been theme of it even though I have read the Bible before and heard all the stories before God is showing me that forgiveness is key to everything to freedom to peace to relationship with God.